is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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