I just saw a hot homeless man
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
