Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
