So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
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I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
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Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I fill condoms, not promises.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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