do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
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