video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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