You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
True strength comes from lack of pants
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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