Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
