I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
