Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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