help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I smell like Dick and happiness
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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