I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
