We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
