I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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