Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
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