i wish peter jackson would direct porn
and she was petting her beer can
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
