Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
