Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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