my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Randomize
