farters have to be the big spoon...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
