The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
