She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize