i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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