u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
