i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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