I want to stick my p in your. b.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
