I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
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Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize