i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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