What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i will never coherently bang her
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
