It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
