my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
