we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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