I will die if light touches me.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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