TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He? As in you personified your dick?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
