just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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