A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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