I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
