How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you would pick up someone in the library
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
