I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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