nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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