i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
