Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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