I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
it's like heaven, but drunker
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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