First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
