Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
