I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
