Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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