you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
