Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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