So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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