I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
