That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
