You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
