the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
