I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
