He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
