Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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