it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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