I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
and eventually we just all took our pants off
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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