True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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