Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
