I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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