I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
