I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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