I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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